justrun-.

i don't believe that this is me. one year ago things were so different, i wasn't this easily torn apart. i was strong. i was focused. i knew what i wanted. sure, it's debatable whether or not what i was working toward was actually worth the blood/sweat/tears, but at least i KNEW.

now i have no clue. no. clue. at. all.

all i have are these goals people place in front of me, goals they expect me to achieve, no matter what the cost. i can drive myself toward these goals blindly, but when i open my eyes and find i'm about to crash it just doesn't feel good.

i really did work hard you know. logic tells me i should be contented, happy, and perhaps even inspired to work harder. but there's this irksome feeling deep down inside. that horrible disgusting feeling of inadequacy, stupidity..like i'm a whole level below the rest. as if these gnawing thoughts and feelings aren't enough, there are things people say.....that make me feel a hell of a lot worse. then weakness kicks in and i just want to give up. i never knew what i was working for anyway, so why subject myself to all this....

but that is not an option.

why on earth are grades so important... achievements.. all these material markers that invite others' judgment. it's so stupid...

:(

so depressing...

:(

[edit]
i am sick of having to fight for things from you. seriously. super. duper. sick. TAKE IT ALL LA WTH.
i am sick of schoool
i feel like not doing my work and slacking cos i'm too stupid and i'll never make it anyway
hallelujah, say hello to april's first breakdown.

[pat]* decided to runaway-.

put on her shoes at [19:10]

and took [20080409] strides

it's the passion that drives you